i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
