I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
