time to smoke my breakfast
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Shame - the story of my life.
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