I looked at my own cervix.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
