grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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