I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
