No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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