Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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