your parents love me but you hate me
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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