all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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