she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
