I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
