I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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