His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
