I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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