I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
