You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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