I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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