12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
