so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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