the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
