it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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