Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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