she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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