i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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