Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
