Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
