omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
