turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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