I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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