Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
