I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
