then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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