My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just pee around me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
