Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
