i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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