If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Terrible idea I love it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
