duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
