You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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