so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
