the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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