Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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