Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
