Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize