i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
