In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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