My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
