Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
