note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
