There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How's work?
Spinning.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
