my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
