I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
