I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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