I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize