It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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