Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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