They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
