I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
