My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
