I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
